When I grow up...

Discussion in 'onTopic' started by Kita, 26 Aug 2015.

  1. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

    ... I have no effing clue what I want to be. Or how to choose. I literally am inspired by something new every single day. I see something that looks so effing cool, and I want to be that in the moment. I think to myself "I could do that! It would be fun too!", but I think it so often, it is very hard to get myself moving in one direction. Everything in the world just looks so cool and like so much fun! Choosing IT was a very hard decision for me. I know it involves lots of monotony, and I am afraid of how quickly I will burn out and want to move on if I don't find a company that can keep me engaged and learning.

    Anyways, after wanting to try a particularly left-field job, I decided to attempt to keep a journal of what I am inspired by. Let's see how long I can keep it going...

    For some reason, this year I have been on an antique restoration kick, and have wanted to restore old houses to original and old furniture to former glory (I blame my mom's obsession with that home improvement channel and all the shows about restoring.)

    Anyways, I have always LOVED old abandoned buildings, so this isn't much of a jump. The bigger the building, the better. Turn of the century hospitals, abandoned manufacturing facilities, abandoned theme parks, etc. SO many people passed through these places, they had such an impact on so many lives... then were just left to rot. It is like they are infused with stories, and make my mind super duper happy as curiosity explores every part, imaging what each piece of equipment used to do, imagining it being used, and even imagining the process it went through over years of nature reclaiming it to get into the state it was in. Like a puzzle of so many possibilities... And for some reason, old buildings and facilities still in use just don't have as much of an impact. The mystery and that post-apocalyptic ruin look is what draws me :) So, for many years now, I have wanted to do something with old abandoned buildings. Urban exploring, photography, filming... any excuse to go in and rediscover long forgotten bits full of mystery, but once so real and necessary.

    Anyways, that is all I can think of now, just because it was on my mind. The rest will be a log as I remember to post of things that struck me on a particular day.
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  2. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title


    Librarian at the Library of Congress. Or a restoration expert. Anything that would get me in the bowels and working with all the old things. WOW that place is SO COOL!


    Struck with the fashion designer bug again while reading articles about burning man. Or an artist. A bit of both, I suppose. Such cool things to be made...

    Also getting burned out on IT before I have even started. It has been a slow creep. Ugh. I just need to get working.


    IT turned my stomach this morning. I don't wanna!

    Reoccurring one; I want to be a ROCK STAR!! :p If I had any talent, I would work this angle. Playing a concert always seemed like more fun than attending one. :)

    Also still really would love to act. Once again, experiencing stuff from behind the scenes just seems like more fun than being a passive viewer. Maybe I could, maybe I couldn't. No theater department growing up, and my parents thought my interest in it was silly. So, I write. And I will have a large say in directing and producing of my shows. I also happened to write myself into On Tour since I kick start it by being about... well, me. Doesn't mean I will play myself. I could though. It would only be the first season anyways, I had already planned on writing the character out by the end of the first season to pass onto other characters. Might launch something else if I actually CAN act. Could also ruin the show if I can't, but I will make sure I have people around to let me know if that is the case so I can find someone to play the part instead. LOTS of work anyways to be adding acting on top... as a writer, at least I will know all my lines... :)

    Oh, wait, no, acting and musician are out of the question cause I CANNOT STAND the celebrity culture. I do NOT want my face on rags and being talked about on gossip shows. I wish people could just see something, enjoy it, discuss it among friends and share it. The need to raise up celebs just so people can experience the pleasure in tearing them down... sick. I actually have thought about doing my shows under a pseudonym, purely to avoid all that crap. And I wouldn't let pictures of me go out and I would make sure I stayed covered and indoors when on set. It's a conundrum I actually do think about, how to get my art seen by people without being swept up in the celeb culture. Not sure it is possible.

    So, of course, to add to the list then; Writer of TV shows (not just mine!!), Producer, Director.

    Also, I would LOVE to do set and prop design! Also sounds like TONS of fun! I get to apply my art skills practically... not a chance I get often at all. Plus, making sci-fi and fantasy worlds and objects sounds soooooo effin COOL. I would enjoy that just as much, possibly even more, than writing such stories. Obviously, if I ever get funding for one of my pieces, I will be VERY busy sticking my head in every part of production. Gonna Peter Jackson this shit, yo!
  3. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

  4. Mulch

    Mulch Why does the drum come hither?

  5. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

    Coding hasn't sounded like fun or sonething I want to do. I want to do thousands of things, and it has never made the list. I no longer want to work for google because mulch tells me I would have to do a job I hate to work for a company I love. That is not a sacrifice worth my happiness. Won't do it, so quit pestering.

    IT is sounding less and less fun every day :(
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  6. Lain

    Lain End of line. #resist

    Wait until you start running audits and run across some random pervs child porn stash. Then, if you're lucky you get to spend time in court rehashing something you wish you'd never been privy too in the first place so they can slap him on the wrist and let him back out in a short to repeat offend.

    Ahh, the perks of computer security.
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  7. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

    I had a feeling that was something I am likely to run across.... it was covered in both 801 and 802, as well as Security.

    The focus was on how avoid all urges to throttle the sick fuck and smear them all over their workplace. They want everything done very quietly, and to not be in any way 'accusatory'. I found it suspicious that contacting their supervisor was NOT something I was supposed to do... Quietly make note of what you found, go through evidence preservation and documentation, and turn it over to MY supervisor.

    Swept right under the rug...

  8. Mulch

    Mulch Why does the drum come hither?

    that is because nevada is a fucked up state (your example is further proof)


    bams is REQUIRED to report it by law in oregon, no security policy will bail you out of jail for failing to do so in states that actually care
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  9. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

    I don't know exactly how the structure works with security experts, but as a desktop support technician, I am NOT allowed to make a decision on whether something is 'illegal'. If I 'suspect' I found illegal content, I am only to record what I thought I saw, preserve the evidence, and pass it on to my supervisor so they can send it to be analyzed by a security expert. Techs have no brains, just an intermediary to carry out human commands to a computer and make sure the computer works.

    Like I said, IT is looking grim. Best I can hope for is a good company that will fast track me and quickly promote me where I can be of more use. Hopefully, no more than 2 years of desktop support. I think I would go crazy or get my ass canned for being insubordinate. I am a great worker with a brain. Try to take my brain away and make me do poor work and I will give you the finger. When morals start to get involved... I am running away. Fastest way to lose me. It's a lot slower of a process when just treating me like a log.

    For the time being, however, according to the 'quiz' I took the other night, I am a super smart super cheery person that is everyone's friend, thinks all people are super nice and trustworthy, would prefer to sell you this really cool product that I love instead of touch icky paints, and will remember the name of all your kids and be super concerned about their well being and their pictures on facebook. That is the new thing I am selling, because selling my actual self isn't working. So fucking depressing I am not even going to go into it.

    I am helping a test-anxious classmate study, and I tried the 'cheery' me out today by letting her get distracted with facebook and idle chatter so she would relax and focus instead of having a panic attack. Fine for a day, but I would want to play 'kick the baby' after a week of that crap, let alone TWO YEARS. My acting is good, and I have patience, but neither is infinite. I get about 6 months of doing the same crap before I am ready to run away screaming.

    *looks at a calendar* Hmmm... a bit over six months since I have moved. Sounds about right... *screams*
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  10. Lain

    Lain End of line. #resist

    I feel for you.

    My procedure is generally the same. When I run across something that is suspect, I immediately stop what I am doing, and inform the contact person for the client I am currently contracted too. I inform them that I have found suspect materials during the course of my work and that, according to law, will be required to report what I had found to the proper authorities.

    Then I make a call to local law enforcement, followed by my attorney, and wait with the evidence until they arrive, in order to preserve the "scene of the crime". If the authorities do not have an IT person available for recovery, I provide them with a forensic image of the device/folder/node I was accessing at the time I encountered the materials, along with all of my work logs for the audit to maintain transparency, redacting anything that is covered by the N.D.A. I've usually signed with the client.

    Then, usually the D.A. makes contact, reads off the standard stuff about possible court appearences and fun things like that. Sometimes I have to go down and make some form of formal statement, usually in the form of a deposition. This, I am assuming, is used as leverage against said shitstain to manipulate them into confessing.

    Luckily, I do not have to go to court on most occasions. Usually the mountain of forensic evidence I have provided is more than enough to force a plea agreement from said scumbag leaving me free to go about my day any no longer concern myself with this particular doucherag.

    Good Times
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  11. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

    That account sounds horrifyingly routine and common...
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  12. Lain

    Lain End of line. #resist

    It's not an all the time thing.

    Sadly, it happens way more often than I would have ever imagined before I was hardened by experience.
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  13. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title


    There is some cirque show in town, and I remembered how I have always wanted to dance, even just once, in something cool like that! Of course, that is even LESS likely to happen than rock star, because autotune can fake a voice and I could learn an instrument and play basic chords... but I would never, ever be in shape to be a dancer. When I was really little, I remember wanting to be a gymnast or a dancer, like all little girls. I also remember being literally laughed at by my parents, who told me there is no such thing as a fat ballerina, and I need to be skinny to be a ballerina. They said that kind of stuff often, thinking it would motivate a 4 year old to lose weight. No, it just instilled an undying, soul devouring hatred of my own body and the lack of 'self control' that was responsible for it... I am just starting to get over it as an adult, and be gentler on myself, which lets me lose weight instead of feeling hopeless and continue to fall down the rabbit hole.

    So, I have been putting little lights into my life again, ones that were once there but squashed. Maybe I could be a dancer, just once. I'm not too old, I am not too late. Pink has been working cirque and bad-ass serious dance into her routine only in her recent years, in her 30s, dancing circles (spheres, technically, since she is doing acrobatics...) around young, skinny pop stars with their little coordinated booty dances. And she is NOT, nor EVER has been 'skinny'. She is normal sized, healthy sized. Models would call her fat, and most probably have. She is freaking gorgeous, and I respect the shit outta her. This song and the music video is also 100% appropriate and applicable in every way to this post when you view it as I do-- with the dancer's conflict and the struggle representing internal battles with self:

    She's probably a workaholic too, but she looks like she is having a BALL, and I imagine it is really all play :) Enjoying what you do is key. Never work a day in your life if you do. Also why I refuse to stick square pegs into round holes and convince myself it fits good enough pretend to be happy. "The Secret" says that is what you should do. There is a reason I feel so alone when it is so easy to feed sheep such bullshit that they will never know true happiness, just a vaneer of it and think that is "The Secret" to life. Missing. The. Whole. FUCKING. Point. Then having the BALLS to judge me for asking of life what I want instead of accepting the crap-bag and telling myself it smells awesome if I was just more open minded.
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  14. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title


    NASA. I have wanted to work for them, doing ANYTHING really, since I was about 6. I used to always watch NOVA and PBS when I was young. I would fight my mom for TV control in the summer, because she liked to watch her soap operas during the same time slot :p Hmm... maybe I can record some on the DVR and catch up on the last 15+ years!

    Anywho, ya, just like working at Library of Congress, anything that would allow me to work with SPACE!!! would be awesome! Analyst, training astronauts, assisting scientists even... if I get to see the data, the pictures, work with the information, explore the endless wonders... I am not going to kid myself into thinking I would ever be in space myself, but just being immersed in the work related to it... WOW. Magical! Mind blowing! I LOVE astronomy and learning about space, which is why my Sci-Fi series is so sprawling. All the possibilities... we are just so unbelievably minuscule. If people could understand the scale of how small we are... maybe their egos would stop them from being such dicks to each other. If they understood they are no more special or 'chosen' or unlikely than every single star in the universe, which number more than the entire history of human population, each the master of it's own little solar system with potential of supporting life as or more numerous than ours, whether in it's past, present, or future. Even if we were all stars with our own solar systems we would still be so small, insignificant, in the scale of the universe. Every single individual bacterium that has ever lived on our planet has held more significance to humans than we ever will to the universe. So, all we can do is stare in wonder during our brief time here, the existence of humanity being less than a blink of an eye to the universe. It began countless years before us, born at the same instant as time itself, and will be here long after us, until time itself also ends. Yet still, the universe encompassing all time, a number that is so vast it is incomprehensible to us, will take up a position of importance and significance less than we are to the universe, less time than a blink of an eye, to all of existence and whatever lies outside of this universe and time itself (outside the fourth dimension). We understand THAT even less than a bacterium understands us and their place in our world, but we still have that itch... we know something is there, outside of our vision and comprehension. It's what makes us human. And why I want to be part of that raw human curiosity, no matter how insignificant and ultimately pointless the endeavors are... nothing is so human than to ask questions, keep wondering at what is around the next corner, and explore places that were not made for us but are the essence of our existence.



    Hmmm.. maybe theatre? I should find a little community theatre, get the dancing, singing, and acting bug out of me in one fell swoop in one production and see what I think. That sounds like lots of fun! I could help with the set too, and learn some set design! I wanna do theatre for sure...
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  15. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title

    Already losing momentum here... typical :p


    Still wanna work for NASA!! SPACE. YAY!! I had to return my copy of "Brief History of Time" to the library before I finished it, but that's ok cause I wanna mark up a copy of my own. DEFINITELY need to get myself a copy off Amazon and keep it floating around with sticky notes hanging out of it. What little I read is FANTASTIC. Super dense in content, in that a lot is covered in a few pages, and I had just as many questions arise as theories covered. I really, REALLY wanna pick Hawkings or Tyson's brain some day.... wow. I want to learn so much more about things that are so briefly covered! Astrophysicists and astronomers are SO far ahead of other scientists. They make brain surgeons look like clueless neanderthals wielding clubs. The kind of calculations they make, the numerous, NUMEROUS factors they take into account figuring out things we take for granted, like distance to other planets and locations of distant bodies, actually require super complex calculations that take into account formulas that were only developed after studying space and noticing some slight irregularities from things we observe on our own planet. Gravity calculations are made far more complex when they are used in Astronomy, because gravity is actually VITAL to how space and the universe works, since it bends time! They are needed for any calculation related to space, just as much as time is in the equation. Both need to be known to properly measure anything, even to aim satellites around our planet, coordinate signals and even the flipping CLOCKS for cell phones, and even just to USE long-range telescopes. While I knew that gravity played a role, I didn't realize how profound of an impact it has! I thought only super massive bodies, like suns, had a large enough impact to warp space-time. Not so! Even Earth warps space time, and time passes differently at sea level and on top of a mountain. It moves slower at sea level, believe it or not! And by a noticeable amount... two clocks left in those places, when brought together, will show different times! I would have thought it would take thousands of years for time to warp even a second from our planet's pull on that scale, but gravity has much more of an impact than that.

    COOL FUCKING SHIT. It makes me sad I am not smart enough to get into astrophysics. I feel practically anything else is in my realm of possibilities and 'could have beens'. But there are some things I just know where my limits are. I can stand back in awe, and jump into the material and understand as much as I can... but there are limits to my brain I am very consciously aware of, and astrophysics blow past them. Makes me wish i r not so stoopid. :( The most I can understand is why the formulas work, and understand what they do... but never could I be part of that development. I feel like all these other things I mention as 'what I want to be' are somewhere in a realm of possibility, in some lifetime of mine, but not this. Maybe in one set of timelines where my brain got a super-boost in development... but nowhere near the ones I am in. All things the same, same person popping out, no matter the path I took after birth, this is one area I feel I could never be on without truly having been born someone else. Dreams of space make me super sad, cause it gets me more excited than most anything else, but is the weakest little light of them all, as my practical side knows it is truly past my limits. The most I could do is stand around and admire everyone as an assistant or something.

    Le Sigh.

    Also am reading William Gibson's Blue Ant series. Pattern Recognition was finished last week. I think what Cayce does sounds like a fucking blast. She gets to jet around the world and is paid stupid money while being hosted at very nice hotels to walk into an office and say "Yes" or "No" to a logo. That's it! Her taste is worth shitloads of money. I have very good taste too, tyvm! :p Of course, chasing down clues to her puzzle for the main plot of the story lead to even more running around the world and staying at fancy hotels. Sounds like even more fun! Being paid to go on a global scavenger hunt!

    Ya, not actually a thing, I imagine. Either job. Maybe getting paid to have taste is a thing for a handful of people, but I would think someone would need hardcore designer and advertising cred and a lifetime of experience in the industry to have the luxury of just going around and giving a yes or no to logos. Her complete un-involvement in advertising except as a critic seems a little... not how it works. Especially because she seems way too effing young to have enough credit in the industry to have it so good.
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  16. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title


    ...it only takes one good piece to pull me back...

    I wanna be an artist again. REALLY, really do. And I want to collaborate on some sculpture works to get me motivated and rolling again. In my own way, I never stopped learning just creating art. I am building and adding skills to my sculpture toolset, and frankly have been every single year since I began studying it. One day, all these skills will come together. Doing metal work now at a makerspace, learning how to weld and work metal from aprofessional welder. I don't want to be a welder, but working with metal on a piece is absolutely something that is likely to happen again. I have learned SO MUCH since college and I last did a piece with metal. I could blow it out of the water if I did something similar again... but the stressors in life suck all motivation and joy.

    I can't relax and create and think when I am on edge with stress and anxiety over money and making a living. It blows. Sometimes I wish I didn't give a fuck like some artists, and was ok with couch surfing and creating. But I am not, nor would I ever be. I need physical happy space, physical sanctuary that is MY space to relax and decompress. It is just the way I work. It's why I worry about making enough money, because I am willing to live in a sparse house without fancy things as long as it is SAFE, I have privacy, I am not at risk of losing the space or my things, and I have space. Safety is a huge anxiety thing, safe from being robbed or shot up or roommates fucking up my shit and my happy space. I need to be able to PUT MY STUFF AWAY, but also have room to stretch out when I am working on projects. When I am done, or switch to something else, it needs to be put away in it's proper place where I can find it again and work on it.

    SPACE and a HOME is like a HUGE OCD stressor of mine. Has to be a certain way, or it doesn't serve it's function as a sanctuary, and if I don't have a sanctuary I can't relax, then anxiety and stress builds, and I fall apart. As long as I have a home base i don't have to worry about, I feel invincible. I can go out and try new things, go to new places, and if something goes horribly wrong, I can still come home to my sanctuary and have all the things that make me happy again and help me relax. It is like a hardcore physical manifestation of my introversion, I think. And most of my "stuff", like seriously the vast majority of it, is tied to 'projects' and 'ideas'. Things I need to create something, whatever form that may take. Cooking, art, sculpture, home repairs, crafts, sewing, fixing anything and everything... all related to being self sufficient, working with my hands, and being able to stay at home and create whatever I want. My own little land of awesome doing. And without a home, I feel lost, without an identity, without a place. When my home is not healthy, I feel smothered and crushed and cornered and stressed and out of control over not having the calming effect of *my* space. Sucks the life out of me.

    This compulsion really makes even more stress than only having a little bit of stuff, saving my money to go out and do all the things, and never having to worry about a home base. I wish the solution was simple, but it's not. I have to build a castle before I feel safe doing anything. Being a nomad is more simple, but that just isn't who I am, the way my brain is.


    WAYYYYYY tangent.

    Ok, what do I want to be when I grow up?

    I WANT TO BE BANSKY. http://www.themeparkreview.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=1630054#p1630054

    That shit is SO FUCKING COOL!!! Why must he be English and do all the cool shit over there?! *whines* I would have volunteered to work that park in a heartbeat. I would have been HONORED to work on a piece with someone, even if my name wasn't even on it. Just to be part of such an incredible display of vibrant LIFE and THINKING through art!! That's the kind of shit I need to be part of to get my art kicked back in.

    But, first things first... I need to build my castle to hide in. Which requires a job so I don't lose it. And a good one so punks don't fuck it up. I need some security plus padding if I fall in the backend where all my stress comes from. Then I can come out and play. :)

    One day... I will grow up and make art again...
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  17. Kita

    Kita Should Update Title


    See how easily I lose this?

    Ok, talking with Mulch today, Kita now has a new plan! I want to be an adviser to someone in politics. I want to be a no-name person that is hired to give it to the face (politician) straight. I am NOT one to pander, and am the dose of reality people need. I fact-check before doling out opinions on events, and would stop politicians from blindly following media hype and making an ass of themselves. I am not perfect myself, and would insist on working with a team, maybe even leading a team of advisers. It is a group effort to get the info needed. The team needs to have journalists and investigators, from every walk of life and across the entire political spectrum. The more varied the people, the better. And, the one uniting quality of my team is the desire to do good. They need to be tolerant, but not blind. They need to have a love for their job and their country without ulterior motives. They need to be always informed, but never blinded by religion, hate, intolerance, or bias. It is human to have clouded judgement, which just adds the color and the heart to it and allows people to have empathy and understand others. But being blind is unacceptable. My team would be the soul that is missing from politics. The conscious that gets removed. The angel and devil that whispers to the rational mind, hearing all sides so the best call can be made.

    All this I think can be practiced and eventually fall into place with Kita's 'big plan' too. Getting into consulting with big companies is the first thing on a resume for political adviser. Next would be becoming a consultant/ adviser for politicians on tech related bill. Making presentations for congress. Picking up smart people as I go. Working my way up as someone who knows their shit and can be trusted to keep it real. And because my interests are so varied, it is an easy step to go from a well-respected tech consultant to a regular adviser with a team of experts. Any politician who wants to hear the truth, be whipped back into shape, is the glimmer of hope for our country. Just because they get into office with partisan politics, doesn't mean they have to blindly maintain them. I have faith that there are enough people out there in politics, who have a big voice and the power to make a difference, that are willing to work with a non-nonsense team to do good and turn things around little by little.

    The political landscape is bleak, and I am not a leader or a face that panders well. I am the ego that appeals to the Id and Super-ego.My team will be a mix of all three, working together and putting in their input from each perspective. There will rarely be a simple or a single answer, just the facts of what the collective people's ego, Id, and Super-ego are thinking. The leader still needs to make the call, that is what they are there for. But if their information system is flawed, their decision usually will be too.

    I like this idea MUCH MUCH better than 'Kita for President 2020'. I don't want to be a target, I don't want to be in the public eye, but I really think I have better decision making and fact checking skills than most politicians. I feel I have something to contribute, but I could never get elected. I can get hired though, if I build a reputation and have the cred to pull it off. Shake the right hand, and that is all that is needed. I can make a huge difference without being in an office, which for so long, has felt like the only way to make any positive change. Campaigning would be a nightmare for me if I was the politician, but I can absolutely be an adviser and listen to someone else's campaign and get them the info they need. I like this end-game (more like post-season, actually, since consulting is the end-game) far more than being a politician when I am old and wrinkly and bored.
  18. nina

    nina still prettier than you

    i often wonder at which point it becomes 'too late' to pursue a career you wanted as a kid :unsure:
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  19. Lain

    Lain End of line. #resist

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  20. Lain

    Lain End of line. #resist

    I still want to draw comic books (silly, I know), or write a book. Produce a song that more than a handful of people find compelling enough to stick on their iWhatsiwhozits.

    I'm not holding my breathe, however. I had a rather lame meeting this morning with some clients I was hoping to sign and they were concerned about all of the wrong issues. They might call, but probably not. :(
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